Pakhi's Mohawk

Every so often the Northern Cardinal male will raise the feathers on his head like this picture.  It reminds me of a mohawk. He seems happy as though he has a smile on his face. 

I noticed this time as he turned his head and saw me looking the feathers went down.

I wonder why?

Out of Left Field

I started out with the idea that I knew how to raise children and the answers to every situation were already decided and in my mind.  I rehearsed them over and over.  I started with the belief that nothing really bad would happen.  My children would not make the really big mistakes because I would talk openly to them and they would learn from my mistakes and my example of near perfect living. (gag)

Then I started living.
My heart started breaking.
My challenges got bigger and bigger.

I was made to  believe that as you are able to handle bigger challenges God would trust you with more and He would give you the strength to persevere and even win the prize. 

I stepped up to the plate.
I got ready to swing.
I got hit right in the face with the ball.

Strike one.

It hurt. I mean REALLY hurt.   But eventually I got up again and brushed off the dust and got back in the game.

Ready to swing... strike two.
At this point I was nervous, afraid, and sore all over.  I kept falling back down and finally my team members pulled me back up.  The falling and getting up actually made me stronger and gave me a greater resolve.

This time I am ready.  I can handle anything.  I know so much more than I did before.  I have a much more open mind so I am accepting of so much.  I know how to love unconditionally.  I don't yell or freak out any more. Its not so easy to hurt me.

I step up the the plate one more time.  Ready to swing.  I see clearly now... or do I?

Strike three!  
No way!

This time the ball came out from left field.  I did not expect this one.  I am so out of my element.
Ok, I admit it.  I am only an average parent.  I don't have all the answers.  I never in my wildest imagination knew the pain and suffering one of my children will feel.  I did not know how inept I would feel, how helpless.  

Strength and Seizures

I was in my studio room putting together the kids school lunches when I heard a noise and turned to look.  Mary was laying on the floor stiff as a board and making moaning noises. I knelt down and asked her where it hurt.  She did not respond.  I knew she was breathing so I just comforted her and kept her from moving.  Suddenly she started shaking all over violently.  David and Hannah were in the room and David asked if he should dial 911.  I hesitated at first and then saw that her teeth started clicking loudly and there under her head was forming a pool of blood. 

"Yes", I said "Call 911"

Mary stopped shaking and went through several stages of regaining consciousness.  The paramedics came and took her to the hospital.  Later she said the only thing she remembered was waking up in the ambulance.

I have never actually had an ambulance take a child away from my house so this is a first for me.  This is a miracle considering I have raised 15 children and the youngest is 10 now and I have been raising children for 32 years.

I can only imagine how it would feel to lose control of your body that way.  We all feel so protective of her that we watch Mary very closely now.  Since that time she has had two more tonic clonic (grand mal) seizures and multiple smaller ones.  Apparently, she even has them without anyone's knowledge.  Yesterday, she had a tonic clonic seizure at school.  It was under 5 minutes so they did not call an ambulance but I picked her up and brought her home where she slept for the next hour.

Since the first major seizure she has experienced the ER twice, multiple tests and dr's appointments. 

MRI, EEG, CTscan, an IV in her arm.  This is the child who never gets sick.

Life never ceases to bring new experiences and challenges. 

Mary is a strong and wonderful person.  I am watching her in awe.

When Love is not Enough

We want to believe that our love will make our children whole but this is not always the case.
Sometimes all we can do is let go.  Maybe we even have to call the police and have them
taken away.  Sometimes they walk away on their own slamming the door on the way out.
It can be loud and dramatic or quiet and calm.


Either way it is like a knife stuck in a mother's heart.

Unconditional Love

I want to love all my children unconditionally.  The older they get and the more of them there are the harder it is.  This is not because I cannot love a lot of children.  This is because the more children one has the more possible barriers there can be.  This is also not because my children are unlovable.  They are all special and different. They are all incredibly lovable. The problem is me.  I thought I did not care what people think about me but I guess there is a limit.  All I can do is live one day at a time and even one minute at a time and hope and pray that God will make me more like him. 

Jesus was criticized for hanging out with people that the religious people thought were beneath them.  He did not care what they thought but he wanted us to know that this was a wrong way to think.  He loved the rougher people.  He loved everyone.

I am so glad that God loves me no matter what happens, no matter what I do.  He is not happy with my behavior but loves me anyway and loves me as fully as one can be loved.  Lets hope basking in that love will teach me to love my children the same way.

Blind Pakhi

This is truly my favorite bird of all. When I first discovered that he was blinded in one eye and pretty torn up it made me sad.  I was so protective of him and I still am.  I have watched him very closely and have noticed that he is not afraid.  He has to tilt his head to see me and and has been through some kind of terrible experience.  Yet, he continues to enjoy life.  I love to see him sitting in the sun and relaxing.  Usually the cardinal male will have a mate nearby but he does not.  Was she killed?  Did she desert him when he was unable to protect her anymore?  He cannot tell me his story.  I know that he enjoys life and he is tenacious and strong.  That is why he is my favorite.

Fighting Like Starlings

The boys were fighting like European Starlings this week.   I am aware that no one uses this analogy but they should.  My Starlings are mean fighters.

 

The other day I came up with an idea.  I took down their suet feeder and threw it onto the roof with a string attached so I could reel it back in and so the squirrels would not steal it.  They did ok but needed a second feeder to thin out the crowd.....

... so I threw this one out of the other window.

If only I could be this creative with my boys.